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Feb "E"

[Sorry about this MAJORLY late posting…a combination of work and lack of inspiration contributed to the delay!]


If you missed the subtext in a few of the previous entries, equality is a prerequisite to any mutually beneficial and successful relationship.

I’m talking about macro-equality here. Certainly each of you can be experts in a particular area. Indeed, my previous post on Challenging certainly advocates that kind of situation. What I advocate in this instance is a more global sense of equality permeating the relationship. Each of you should feel that the other is [insert verb here] just as much as you are. Sacrificing, challenging, cooking, cleaning, working, paying, etc. etc. etc.

Equality can also be obtained through other methods:

  • Equality by exchange
    • I may forgo some of my cleaning duties in exchange for cooking more frequently.
  • Equality by relative means
    • If I earn considerable more than someone I’m dating, I may choose to measure equality using our relative means to pay for a date
  • Equality by circumstance
    • Maybe my partner’s parents passed away…I’ll pick up more duties around the house to give them time to grieve and reflect

In short, there are many ways to balance things on the micro level. What’s important is to gauge the relative equality at a macro level when evaluating the health of your relationship.

Comments (2)


Didn't your mother ever tell you not to promise something you couldn't deliver? Your idea for Feb. was great, but you have failed miserably; no wonder you're single.


I get into big trouble when I think about equality in relationships because to determine that, you must pass judgment on the activity of others.

Judging will only get you in trouble. You may think you're watching out for yourself, or protecting yourself from getting taking advantage of. But really, when you listen and really understand what your partner is saying (or guess what they're not!) sometimes the equations of who is doing more is not so straightforward. If you know someone has a decent heart and is not placing unreasonable demands on you, then you have to learn acceptance.

For example -- how do you weigh or judge Davin and I's situation? I make more money, work more hours, etc. He has his part-time job and (nominal) house chores. Is this equal? No. However, I get overly obsessed about everything, nag him constantly, etc. and he (generally) puts up with it, knowing its just my nature. Is this equal? No. But, OK, to evaluate equality you've got to judge which of these is more important, as well as all the other conversations and activity in our marriage. Whew! I'd rather just accept some things and enjoy my life instead of criticizing someone who brings me so much joy.

Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Whenever I feel the temptation to judge or get upset, I always remember: would I rather be right, or would I rather be married? Realizing that I value our relationship above all else, I accept a lot of things I wouldn't do if I was on my own.

And when your partner has a decent heart, when you accept and give, they don't just take, they give right back. And that's what makes the world go around!


This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on February 6, 2005 11:59 PM in February.

The previous post in this blog was Feb "D".

The next post in this blog is Feb "F".

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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